Of loss.

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I fear that yesterday I started to lose a close friend. Not ‘lose’ as in they are facing death. Just ‘lose’ in that we may not be in contact with each other anymore. It took me by surprise and I’m still in tears as I write this.

There was no ugliness, no fight. Just a slow online discussion over the course of a few hours. The reasons are few- different expectations, and a change of heart.

I’ve never parted ways with a close friend before. And I’ve only ever parted ways with two clients on not-so-great terms. In fact, one of the luxuries of having few clients is that I believe that I share a close bond with each one. Some closer than others, but I know (and hopefully they know) that we can drop each other a line at any time.

But you see, the problem with letting people into your life (and your heart) is that it can only go one of two ways. You either stay friends forever and ever, or eventually you have to say goodbye to them. Perhaps every relationship has some kind of predetermined expiry date?

I continue to hope that my escort work will ‘harden’ me in an emotional sense. Unfortunately, it seems to have done the opposite. I definitely ‘feel’ more than I ever have before. In one sense I’m grateful, in another I’m not as I can see that sometimes feelings can lead to financially costly mistakes.

As I’ve said before, I genuinely try to leave everyone I meet in a better state than when I met them. Certainly everyone that I’ve met has taught me something.

What has surprised me about being an escort is that I have had the great privilege of meeting some awesome people who are neither clients nor potential clients. I certainly didn’t expect that. That’s how this particular friend and I met. Despite being sad at the moment, I’m still very grateful that we did meet.

So, I guess that the lesson here is that when it comes to friendship, being upfront and honest is always the best way to go. Even if it hurts the other person, there’s no point in maintaining any degree of falsehood. I suppose that one of the benefits of being an escort is that everything is upfront in your interactions. It is possible to become friends with your clients, but the expectations are still clear: time = money. You both know that you’re not going to end up together in a romantic sense, but certainly the bond that you’ve formed can last a very long time.

I’m not sure what’s going to happen with this particular friendship. It quite likely could be salvageable. I have no prior experience to draw on, but I suspect that I may take a little while to stop feeling sad. Hence, I’m trying to keep super-busy, so all distractions and bookings are welcome!

x Mischa

P.S. My forthcoming blog posts will be more upbeat, I promise!

P.P.S. In awesome news, I have just been invited to my first ‘twitter’ wedding! (Meaning that I met the bride and groom through twitter). I’m so honoured to be invited and oh-so excited!!